My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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