I hate your face
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
