just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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