Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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