I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
