WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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