they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
