just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
