I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
