dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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