Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
