I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
