She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
