I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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