Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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