pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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