he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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