who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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