I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize