The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
