Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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