im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
