Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Your penis caused this!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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