Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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