I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
