Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
