When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
