dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He kissed a someone with a penis
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
