wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
