remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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