The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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