I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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