I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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