Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
