Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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