sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
