i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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