My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I looked at my own cervix.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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