remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
