ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
