hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
