I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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