lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
