the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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