My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
