I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
