She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
