Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
