Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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