i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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