Your face is a jimmy john
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
