does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
