I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize